Mom's words, not mine

There's someone who Tweets "Shit my dad says," and the comments are hilarious. It made me think that my mom says some pretty funny stuff. Her comments are a bit more verbose than Twitter's 140 allowed characters so instead, I'll share her comments with you, here. Keep in mind that mom will be 78 in December. She's able to get around, and she drives. She goes to the grocery store on Saturday mornings, often she comes back with stories.

One Saturday, she arrived home and as she often is, she was perplexed with her shopping experience. Our closest grocery store is Jewel. It's a regional chain, our store is one of their smaller stores. As you can imagine, Saturdays are busy days in the store. Apparently at the point she arrived, so did a van carrying handicapped adults, most of whom were in scooters. The scene, as she described it is as follows:

"I'm just trying to get my shopping done, I wanted to get in, get my groceries and come home. The aisles are small, and I kept running into these people on those damn scooters. I know I'm slow but COME ON, why do they have to be here when the entire neighborhood is shopping? I got to the end of one aisle and there's one of them, he's a big one, and he's slumped over in his scooter. I thought maybe he was dead. I said "excuse me," then said it again but he didn't move. I needed to get past him. The sticker on the back of his scooter read "I MATTER." I finally pushed through with my cart and said "I MATTER TOO, NOW GET OUT OF MY GOD DAMNED WAY!" I was so mad."

I would like to say that I was stunned, but this is typical. I just said "mom, you did NOT say that to him!" She paused and finally said "well, no...BUT I WANTED TO!"

I think she would have, had she waited much longer.