Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Wide Awake

"You can't walk in your sleep, if you can't sleep."

It's 2:50 am. I've been awake for about 30 minutes. Tried to keep my eyes shut and fall back to sleep but I opened them and I've been wide awake since.

Thinking about the next couple of weeks. New Year's eve. New Year's day. January 2nd. That's Anthony's going away party. I'm off on the 3rd.

He posted in the invite for his party that his departure date is Sunday January 9. Seeing it written startled me, made it real.

I wish things could be different. I really do.

I deserve better. I'm having trouble grasping the idea that better is out there. Right now it doesn't seem like it. But if this is part of the journey, this has been the toughest road so far. As weird as it may sound though, I'm glad I'm on this road. I wouldn't have changed a thing so far. There's a reason for it, I'm sure.

Okay, no tears. This is good. Maybe because I'm too cold to cry. No really, I'm cold. I think I'll crawl back in bed under the covers.

"I think I need sleep. Maybe then I can dream. If I could just sleep..."


Lulu said...

I have been reading your blog for about a year.
My heart is breaking for you right now.
Everything happens for a reason, what that reason is, we don't know.
I fell in love big time once! It didn't work out. I haven't fell in love like that 20 years later.
But, I got to experience it once, and for that I am greatful.
I have a plethora of friends that are like family and one family member that I have left.
I have been thru some rough times a couple of times and good meaning friends made 'suggesttions" They are well intended. You should do this? you should do that?
Please don't tell me what to do, until you have walked a mile in my shoes.
You should have time to mourn the relationship, maybe in the future you 2 might be able to work things out?
I know from reading your blog, you have friends or your 'other' family reaching out to get you thru this. They love you! Let them help you when you are ready!
I hope this helps and I will always be there for you Lulupic66@aol.com if you ever need to talk to somebody or dump on somebody. If you do E-mail me? I will send you my phone number. I work 2nd shift and I don't go to bed until 4 AM on CST
YOu can call me anytime.
I hope you are survivng the storm,
Big hugs to you and hang in there,

Dan said...

oh James, what am I going to do with your ass?

Masturbation always helps me fall to sleep, no matter what is on my mind!

I guess this means you Luis and I will be traveling to boystown on the weekend of the 14th for a steam. :)

Chin up!