And now the anger sets in.
I'm not one bit angry at Anthony. If I were in his shoes, I believe I would do the exact same thing.
I am angry at the situation. No, not that moron from MTV, the situation I'm facing.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I fall hard and fast. Show me some affection, show me that you enjoy spending time with me and I'm yours. I could go on and on listing things that endear me to others but you get the picture.
I'm angry that I met someone with whom I connect on so many levels and he's leaving, and now I have to start over. I was going to type "decide if I want to start over," but I think it's safe to say that I WILL start over, eventually. Easy as that sounds, it never is.
I don't have good luck. It truly is a "needle in the haystack" thing with me. There are a number of tests that one needs to pass to win my heart. The funny thing is, I can usually tell if they're going to pass after the first meeting. Will my family like him? Is he someone I'd bring to a work function? Does he make me laugh? Will he fit in well with my core group of friends? Is he worthy of my heart?
Anthony is all those things and more. But, in two weeks, he'll be 2000 miles away, starting a new job and a new life. A life that won't include me the way it does today.
A happy consolation is that we'll always be friends. This is ending on a good note - I refuse to have it any other way. He'll become yet another friend that I'll want to visit when I'm in California. But, this isn't about being happy. I'll try that later.
So, they process starts again. I hate it. I'm angry.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Inventory
File Under: Returned
Matthew dropped off my DVDs and "other items" this afternoon. I was in Administration when he got there. I did not see him.
In a Target bag, I received the following items:
AbFab DVD collection
French and Saunders DVD
"Testosterone" DVD (no, not porn)
A pair of black socks
A toothbrush
Small glass canister that I bought for sugar. I take sugar in my coffee, he doesn't use sugar. Yes, the sugar is still in the canister.
I'm surprised though. My pillow was not returned. He probably trashed it or kept it for his tricks.
To his credit, he did not return any of the gifts I gave to him, including Ina Garten's latest cookbook (autographed), James Taylor CD (sent to him in DC), Kodak digital photo frame (his birthday gift when he returned home), assorted CDs I burned for him, an "adult" DVD (porn), and 4 Christmas ornaments for his sad little tree.
So I'll confess that I did the following. Last night, I came into work to drop off a tin of cookies. I brought with me an ornament that he gave to me. It's really pretty but I didn't want the reminder so I took it off my tree at home. I hung it on the tree in the lobby, at eye level, facing the reception desk. My hope was that he would notice it because he would recognize it if he did. I won't ever know if he did.
Apparently he was quick to walk in and walk out. They offered to page me for him, he said "oh no, that's okay, just see that he gets it" and he walked out.
It's done. I even looked in the bag right away to see what was there and I was fine. It's over. I'm relieved.
Matthew dropped off my DVDs and "other items" this afternoon. I was in Administration when he got there. I did not see him.
In a Target bag, I received the following items:
AbFab DVD collection
French and Saunders DVD
"Testosterone" DVD (no, not porn)
A pair of black socks
A toothbrush
Small glass canister that I bought for sugar. I take sugar in my coffee, he doesn't use sugar. Yes, the sugar is still in the canister.
I'm surprised though. My pillow was not returned. He probably trashed it or kept it for his tricks.
To his credit, he did not return any of the gifts I gave to him, including Ina Garten's latest cookbook (autographed), James Taylor CD (sent to him in DC), Kodak digital photo frame (his birthday gift when he returned home), assorted CDs I burned for him, an "adult" DVD (porn), and 4 Christmas ornaments for his sad little tree.
So I'll confess that I did the following. Last night, I came into work to drop off a tin of cookies. I brought with me an ornament that he gave to me. It's really pretty but I didn't want the reminder so I took it off my tree at home. I hung it on the tree in the lobby, at eye level, facing the reception desk. My hope was that he would notice it because he would recognize it if he did. I won't ever know if he did.
Apparently he was quick to walk in and walk out. They offered to page me for him, he said "oh no, that's okay, just see that he gets it" and he walked out.
It's done. I even looked in the bag right away to see what was there and I was fine. It's over. I'm relieved.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Contact!
File Under: Mine, and I want it back.
Matthew had my AbFab seasons 1-3 DVD collection. Originally I was just going to let it go but the more I thought about it, the more I decided I wanted it back. It wasn't so much wanting back the object, I think what I wanted back was my dignity. If I just walked away and didn't ask for it, the chances of getting it back were slim. Sure, he could easily have just dropped it off or mailed it. Actually I kind of think he would have done so. But as I was talking with friends last night, they told me that I needed to ask for my DVDs to be returned. This morning I sent a note that asked for them and also told him when I would NOT be at "Lakeshore" so that he didn't have to worry about seeing me. He replied back this evening.
Jim,
No problem. I won’t be around Monday so it will have to be Tuesday. I have some other stuff here that belong to you as well.
Take care,
Matthew
My friends on QTS were on the other side of the fence. They didn't think I should have bothered to ask for them back. It was akin to picking a scab on a wound. I value their opinion and love them for looking out for me but to me this was symbolic of not just asking for my stuff back, but walking away with my pride and dignity.
As for the "other stuff," I'm guessing it'll be the CDs I sent him for his birthday, the ornaments I bought for his tree, the jar I brought over to his place in which I kept sugar for my coffee and a pillow. If I'm REALLY lucky, I'll get the Kodak digital photo frame I bought for him for his birthday, too. I really just want the DVDs, but whatever. I know when I get the stuff back I'll be sad and I'll probably just dump the bag in my closet and not look at it for a while.
Did I do the right thing? Should I have just left well-enough alone? What's done is done, but I'm curious to know what you would have done.
Matthew had my AbFab seasons 1-3 DVD collection. Originally I was just going to let it go but the more I thought about it, the more I decided I wanted it back. It wasn't so much wanting back the object, I think what I wanted back was my dignity. If I just walked away and didn't ask for it, the chances of getting it back were slim. Sure, he could easily have just dropped it off or mailed it. Actually I kind of think he would have done so. But as I was talking with friends last night, they told me that I needed to ask for my DVDs to be returned. This morning I sent a note that asked for them and also told him when I would NOT be at "Lakeshore" so that he didn't have to worry about seeing me. He replied back this evening.
Jim,
No problem. I won’t be around Monday so it will have to be Tuesday. I have some other stuff here that belong to you as well.
Take care,
Matthew
My friends on QTS were on the other side of the fence. They didn't think I should have bothered to ask for them back. It was akin to picking a scab on a wound. I value their opinion and love them for looking out for me but to me this was symbolic of not just asking for my stuff back, but walking away with my pride and dignity.
As for the "other stuff," I'm guessing it'll be the CDs I sent him for his birthday, the ornaments I bought for his tree, the jar I brought over to his place in which I kept sugar for my coffee and a pillow. If I'm REALLY lucky, I'll get the Kodak digital photo frame I bought for him for his birthday, too. I really just want the DVDs, but whatever. I know when I get the stuff back I'll be sad and I'll probably just dump the bag in my closet and not look at it for a while.
Did I do the right thing? Should I have just left well-enough alone? What's done is done, but I'm curious to know what you would have done.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tongue-Tied
File Under: People say stupid things
People = me
Last night I was on the phone with Matthew, who was rehashing his bad day and the concerns on his mind. In my mind I was thinking how everything he was discussing was interconnected and how it could potentially be complicated. Instead I said "Wow, you're complicated." I didn't even think about the fact that I hadn't verbally expressed my thoughts as intended. He became offended and abruptly ended the call and then sent me a text message indicating that he was hurt by my comment. I called him back he didn't answer.
If you haven't figured things out by now, I'm completely neurotic and a bit of a social retard when it comes to relationships. I was horrified and went to bed hypervantalating, completely convinced that I've ruined everything.
I didn't sleep much last night. I got up at about 1 and composed a very carefully worded apology, and I emailed it to him. He keeps a Blackberry for work so I knew he would see that it came in when he got up this morning. He hasn't replied to it but my first text message from him was a traffic alert for an area he thought was close to my office. I replied right back (I never fell into a deep sleep) and thanked him for the alert.
I'm still sad about my foolish mistake and hope he'll realize that it wasn't intentional. There's not much else I can do to express this to him.
I chose to wear a blue sweater to work today, it matches both my mood and the giant bags under my eyes.
People = me
Last night I was on the phone with Matthew, who was rehashing his bad day and the concerns on his mind. In my mind I was thinking how everything he was discussing was interconnected and how it could potentially be complicated. Instead I said "Wow, you're complicated." I didn't even think about the fact that I hadn't verbally expressed my thoughts as intended. He became offended and abruptly ended the call and then sent me a text message indicating that he was hurt by my comment. I called him back he didn't answer.
If you haven't figured things out by now, I'm completely neurotic and a bit of a social retard when it comes to relationships. I was horrified and went to bed hypervantalating, completely convinced that I've ruined everything.
I didn't sleep much last night. I got up at about 1 and composed a very carefully worded apology, and I emailed it to him. He keeps a Blackberry for work so I knew he would see that it came in when he got up this morning. He hasn't replied to it but my first text message from him was a traffic alert for an area he thought was close to my office. I replied right back (I never fell into a deep sleep) and thanked him for the alert.
I'm still sad about my foolish mistake and hope he'll realize that it wasn't intentional. There's not much else I can do to express this to him.
I chose to wear a blue sweater to work today, it matches both my mood and the giant bags under my eyes.
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