Wide Awake

"You can't walk in your sleep, if you can't sleep."

It's 2:50 am. I've been awake for about 30 minutes. Tried to keep my eyes shut and fall back to sleep but I opened them and I've been wide awake since.

Thinking about the next couple of weeks. New Year's eve. New Year's day. January 2nd. That's Anthony's going away party. I'm off on the 3rd.

He posted in the invite for his party that his departure date is Sunday January 9. Seeing it written startled me, made it real.

I wish things could be different. I really do.

I deserve better. I'm having trouble grasping the idea that better is out there. Right now it doesn't seem like it. But if this is part of the journey, this has been the toughest road so far. As weird as it may sound though, I'm glad I'm on this road. I wouldn't have changed a thing so far. There's a reason for it, I'm sure.

Okay, no tears. This is good. Maybe because I'm too cold to cry. No really, I'm cold. I think I'll crawl back in bed under the covers.

"I think I need sleep. Maybe then I can dream. If I could just sleep..."

Angry

And now the anger sets in.

I'm not one bit angry at Anthony. If I were in his shoes, I believe I would do the exact same thing.

I am angry at the situation. No, not that moron from MTV, the situation I'm facing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I fall hard and fast. Show me some affection, show me that you enjoy spending time with me and I'm yours. I could go on and on listing things that endear me to others but you get the picture.

I'm angry that I met someone with whom I connect on so many levels and he's leaving, and now I have to start over. I was going to type "decide if I want to start over," but I think it's safe to say that I WILL start over, eventually. Easy as that sounds, it never is.

I don't have good luck. It truly is a "needle in the haystack" thing with me. There are a number of tests that one needs to pass to win my heart. The funny thing is, I can usually tell if they're going to pass after the first meeting. Will my family like him? Is he someone I'd bring to a work function? Does he make me laugh? Will he fit in well with my core group of friends? Is he worthy of my heart?

Anthony is all those things and more. But, in two weeks, he'll be 2000 miles away, starting a new job and a new life. A life that won't include me the way it does today.

A happy consolation is that we'll always be friends. This is ending on a good note - I refuse to have it any other way. He'll become yet another friend that I'll want to visit when I'm in California. But, this isn't about being happy. I'll try that later.

So, they process starts again. I hate it. I'm angry.

A Rough Night

Anthony is home for Christmas and won't be back in Chicago until Tuesday. This break is a good thing as I feel it may be a practice run, preparing me for the first weekend we won't be together after he leaves.

I was off work yesterday. I ran some errands during the day. Dan called me and we planned to go out last night. I finished up my tasks at home last evening, then I headed to Jackhammer.

Upon arrival it was as if I walked into a different bar. It was loud with BAD 80's music (and I LOVE 80's music, this was just not some of the stuff I was fond of). I could normally tolerate it but there was an obnoxious group of revelers singing along, badly I might add. I downed my first drink quickly in hopes of dulling the torture.

Dan arrived and he acknowledged that it definitely felt different in there. However, we made the best of it.

My friends and former neighbors Joseph and Nayra texted me, and eventually joined us. The four of us had a blast hanging out, talking, laughing and drinking. 5 drinks later and 3 tequila shots later, it was finally time to go home...at 3:30 am.

Earlier in the evening, I had been watching VH1 Classic, and they played Taylor Dayne's hit from the late 80's "Love Will Lead You Back." I loved the song back in the day, and so I stopped to listen and the words struck a chord. For some odd reason, I came home, logged on to Facebook, and then found that song on YouTube. I listened to it...BIG MISTAKE. Tears immediately began to flow. Before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably, for nearly an hour. I don't recall stopping, I just know that I woke up this morning at 9:30 and my eyes were red and swollen. However, I was NOT hungover, so perhaps I was crying out all of the alcohol.

Today has been a decent day. I needed to run to the grocery store. Before getting my act together and getting out of the house, I was chatting with my friend Debbie on Facebook and via Blackberry messenger. She mentioned her iPad and how much she loves it. Well, that put the idea in my head that I needed one, too. Okay, maybe "need" is a strong word. I however WANTED one and there was no talking myself out of it.

Merry Christmas to me. Retail therapy is good!

I'll probably go out again tonight, I think I'll avoid tequila.

The real meaning of Christmas

I know this isn't just a Christmas season thing, but in this time of giving and receiving gifts and waiting in long lines at stores to buy stuff, sometimes the things on which you can't place a price tag are the most valuable presents one can receive.

My friends are aware of my current situation. If you've read my previous posts, you are too, but if you're new here and have yet to scroll backwards, here's the short version of the story. Boy meets boy, they have a great 4 month romance. Boy informs boy that he's taken a job in California, leaving boy feeling crushed inside, but boy also understands the need for boy to take this opportunity so there's not much he can say. Boy and boy are currently together until boy leaves town, somewhere around the first half of next month.

Knowing my situation, my friends have been nothing but sweet and supportive and are promising me many fun times ahead. I think my weekend calendar for the entire month of January may be booked thanks to kind offers from Dan, Steve, Vahona and Sonny, among others. I'm feeling the love and I want them to know how much I appreciate it. I'm lucky to have them in my life.

One More Last Kiss

Sometimes songs say it better than I could. This song is performed by a band named Ivy. Not only are the lyrics extremely poignant, but it's also sung beautifully.

To hear the song, click below.




One More Last Kiss

I'm not afraid to start over.
It's just a feeling that we shared.
They can't take that away.
I'm not afraid to be lonely.
It's just a question of how long, how long I have to wait.

So one more last kiss like two prisoners.
One more last kiss to hold on to.
One more last kiss just to remember you
Before we fade away, before we fade away.

I'm not here making excuses.
But no apologies could change
The way this all will end.
We're only just what we're made of.
I'm only sorry that we can't have this chance again.

So one more last kiss like two prisoners.
One more last kiss to hold on to.
One more last kiss just to remember you
Before we fade away, before we fade away.

So one more last kiss like two prisoners.
One more last kiss to hold on to.
One more last kiss just to remember you
Before we fade away;
One more last kiss like two prisoners.
One more last kiss to hold on to.
One more last kiss just to remember you
Before we fade away, before we fade away.

Monday 12/13/10

(This was a post I wrote a couple weeks ago. Why am I sharing it now? Because I've shared everything else up to this point. Unsure if it will actually post in order or land at the top of the list. )

Today was an interesting day. I woke up feeling like I was in a haze, as if I had dreamt the entire weekend. When I was in the bathroom shaving, I realized that none of what I remembered was part of a dream. Reality set in and I was bummed.



During the drive to work, Mariah Carey's Christmas song "All I Want for Christmas is You" was playing on the radio. Tears immediately began streaming down my face. Go ahead and laugh. there are many reasons why it's funny to be crying to that song. I'll admit it.



Andrea, our AA saw that I looked upset. She knew from the look on my face what was happening. She let me get settled in my office then she came in and hugged me. She said "I hurt for you, I'm so sorry." I couldn't speak, I just whispered "thank you."



I had to present benefits at our monthly orientation class today. Our benefits have changed for 2011 so much of my presentation required a rewrite of the script. I didn't do that so I had to wing it. About half way through, I began to lose my voice. My coworker looked at me and was ready to step in. I cleared my throat and was fine. I finished and even managed to be witty during the Q and A portion.



Back at the office, I saw that I had a text from Anthony. We exchanged a few sweet messages. This caused round 2 of tears. I'm sure my eyes looked like hell at lunch. I read my paper during lunch. At the 30 minute mark, I got up and went back to my office and round 3 set in. Shortly after, my boss called me into her office. I brought what she needed and she asked me if I was okay. I said yes. She asked if that was true and I said no, but let's just accept yes as the answer and move on. She smiled and said that was fine.



Later, she came into my office. She quizzed me about my weekend. I told her about how we had a birthday dinner for my mom, and my boyfriend joined us. This was the first time I've openly discussed any of my relationships with coworkers who aren't friends. Immediatly she looked over at my cabinet where I have a picture of Anthony and I and she said "that's really nice. How long have you both been together?" So we talked a bit about things and I clued her in to what was happening.



I'm a firm believer that people should keep their personal lives at home, whenever possible, and not let things get in the way of their work. I told this to Diane, and told her that I was embarrassed that I was becoming one of those people. I guess it's a control thing for me. My "Type A" personality demands order and control and this is something that I can't control - both the sitaution and how I'm reacting to it. She was supportive and sweet and said that she understood that sometimes our home and work lives overlap and not to feel bad about it. Then she said "we're all here for you." I held back round 4. Truthfully it felt good discussing my life with her. My life is really no different from my hetero coworkers who discuss their spouses endlessly. It's nice to have a boss who doesn't judge, and who truly cares.



The remainder of the day was nice. I came home, had dinner, then met my friend Steve out for drinks at our favorite martini bar, Marty's. It was a really fun evening. Even Anthony came out for a drink and we all just talked and had a really relaxed time. I don't expect that all nights are going to be like that; hopefully they will.

Journey Through Life

Life certainly takes us on some interesting adventures.


As I said in my previous post, I'm thankful for so many things that I have. I try really hard not to take them for granted because they could be gone in an instant.

I came out as gay later in life. I had some gay friends, but none whom I confided in about my feelings, or from whom I sought advice. I was 30 when I finally came out to my family. Before telling them, I had some encounters, but I never allowed myself to explore a relationship because I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. In a way, I think I did myself a favor by doing so. I'm sure I wasn't ready to be out, to explore relationships, or to consider the definition of "safe sex." By not having it at all, I was "safe." By the time I started being with men, I knew better and took proper precautions. When I did come out, I felt liberated, but by that time the landscape had changed and one could not help to know all of the precautions that needed to be taken. So there's the silver lining.


However, the cloud that had formed is the fact that I hadn't been in a relationship. I hadn't even dated. My first relationship was when I was 32 years old. It lasted just shy of a year. It ended amicably, we're still friendly to one another when we see each other on the street.

I can't tell you the countless dates I've been on that have been disasters. Each one reminds me that the dating pool is very shallow, both figuratively and literally. Sure, I'm far from perfect but I bring great qualities to the table. Finding someone who complements me and also contrasts me is a daunting task. I think doing this later in life adds another dimension to the equation. People become set in their ways, I know I have.

The ones who would have been a good catch ended up with other people. One who got away is someone with whom I clicked the minute we met. In the beginning our communication was very sweet and flirtatious. Yet I didn't really know how to ask him on a date. By this time I had formed a friendship with Dan, my best friend, and he got tired of watching me go back and forth with the guy and just blurted out "would you two just go out on a date already?" There was nothing left to do but ask if he would. Unfortunately, he said that he had just started dating someone. I was crushed. For the record, he and I are friends, and he's still with that same guy.


Meanwhile, I've watched as my friends have played the dating game and won. I've been the friend and confidant for many, I've even been to a few weddings. It's all very exciting for them, but selfishly I've thought "when is my turn?"


A couple years ago, I was in a short but rather unpleasant "relationship," except I didn't think it was unpleasant. I was just happy to be with someone. When he ended it, I felt betrayed and blindsided, but the truth is, he did me a favor. However, I walked away with a lot of emotional scarring. I doubted myself for a long time and trusted nobody outside of my inner circle.

All that changed recentely. Anthony came along and has been wonderful. He's been reassuring and kind, and a joy to be around.


Unfortunately, it seems all that is about to change. For reasons I won't disclose at this time, it would appear that our relationship will need to end. When it does, it will be amicable, but that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. This morning we discussed the situation and decided we would remain together until the last day. Apologies for being cryptic, I will divulge further information, as appropriate, later.


I spent a good part of the afternoon visiting with Dan and Luis. Immediately Dan insisted I come over for a while. It was nice to spend time with them, talk a bit. I felt like my head was in a fog. When I got home, I sat down and the tears started. I've been crying on and off all afternoon.

This evening, my dear friend Steve called and insisted I hang with him this evening, he enticed me with fresh baked cookies and wine. While I've lacked an appetite all day, the idea of spending an evening with someone as opposed to crying in my bedroom sounded nice. As always, he was both comforting and reassuring.

Just to make things abundantly clear, to all who read this, including Anthony, there is no anger in any of this. I understand the situation and I am 100 percent supportive of it. All things happen for a reason. Right now, that reason is just not clear to me.



I find myself wondering why I'm on this journey. I've never been lucky in love. (I guess that's a relative term, considering that two out of the 3 guys I've dated are wonderful people) However, I've never been in a relationship where I've been told "I love you." Without exception, I'm always the first to say it. There's a line in a song by a band I know that says "Someone always loves a little more, and I think it's me." Don't get me wrong, I've felt loved. Some people just express it differently.

I wonder if I'll ever meet the one who will look at me and know I'm the one for him. I wonder if I've already met him but for whatever reason, we just haven't reached that part of the journey.

I keep asking myself why do these things happen to me? Did my past actions create some sort of Karmic debt that I'm now paying back? Am I some cosmic lab experiment, being studied by a higher power to see how far I can be pushed before I break? Like I said earlier, I believe things happen for a reason, and so many great things have happened as a result of meeting and knowing Anthony

Ultimately, if he's not the one, I just want to meet someone who is happy and mature, secure, grounded and fun. Perhaps his clone.

Anybody out there?