Friday ended up being a very interesting day. I knew it would be...
Flashback to last Sunday. My friends all gathered at Steve's and did a really nice job of keeping me distracted and entertained after Anthony's departure. It was a rough day made a bit easier by their presence...but something felt "off."
Tuesday I decided that as a "thank you," I invited the group to dinner on Friday. Steve and Dan accepted. The others were busy.
I heard from Dan later in the week and he suggested that we get together to talk before dinner, he said that things have been unsettled between us and we needed to figure things out. It made me nervous but I felt a sense of relief that we would talk.
Then I got to thinking...during my relationship, I spent a lot of time with Anthony and we did things with his friends. Trying to be the pleaser, I opted to not rock the boat and just do things with his friends for a while, rather than put my foot down early-on and insist that we make plans with my friends. As time went on, it got easier to just go with the flow. I saw my friends from time to time but rarely with Anthony. I hate to admit it but I didn't give it a lot of thought. I was concerned from time to time but I took for granted that my friends would be patient and be there when I could make it work. Then when Anthony's decision to move was made, I went into "spend as much time as possible with him," and I stopped really trying to get everybody together.
And I got to thinking...here it was 5 days from Anthony's departure. I spent 5 months with him only to be single again. I felt lost, and like I had failed.
Also on my mind was the mess that had piled up at work. I had piles of paperwork all around my office. Various projects have prevented me from completing some of the more menial clerical tasks that unfortunately are also mine to do. Multiplied by 2 because I have 2 offices.
Add to that the usual worries about home, finances, etc...
All off that bubbled over at about 11 on Friday morning. I took a deep breath and realized I couldn't. I just started to cry. I couldn't stop. I realized that I had royally fucked up everything in my life and I was going to wind up miserable and alone. All of a sudden I was dreading everything and my stomach was in pain. I texted Dan in a panic and he was reassuring, telling me to relax. I managed to get to lunch and eat a couple bites of food. My coworker Andrea was sitting next to me and she rubbed my back. I guess I looked pretty pathetic.
I met Dan and Steve for drinks. We chatted and I heard nothing that surprised me. I had let my friends down and had been doing so for the past few months. I was sad but my first thought was how to fix things. Dan was firm but reassuring about everything.
The three of us ended up having a nice dinner. The conversation was fun and relaxed. We were all tired so after dinner, it was decided that we were heading home. Dan drove me home. He made me promise to talk to him about things...everything, and he promised me that he would not wait 4 months to smack some sense into me if I start falling into a similar pattern again.
I accept full blame for things. I really wish I had been more assertive with Anthony right from the start and worked to bring him into the fold. I would like to think that they would have gotten to know the Anthony I knew and fell in love with. I think they would have seen how funny and sweet he is. But, hindsight is 20/20 and it's something I will work on next time.
Right now, I've got my work cut out for me. I need to concentrate on mending fences with my sweet friends, those, who on a really difficult day, put their hurt feelings aside and rallied around me.
The work begins now.