Friday, January 28, 2011

What's Next?

Third Friday that it hasn't been date night. This is the first one where I stayed home.

I hadn't intended upon staying in tonight. All day at work I was looking forward to going out. I didn't know if any of my friends were going out, I suppose I should have made some calls or sent some messages. Dan and Luis usually have date night on Friday night so more often than not they don't go out. I did check in with Steve, he was in for the evening. I knew that it wouldn't be a late night anyway because tomorrow I'm headed to Indiana to hang with Vahona. But the idea of venturing out on my own seemed appealing and exciting, something I haven't done since last summer. Wow. I guess it has been a while.

When I got home from work, the mail carrier was just parking his van at the corner so we had no mail. After dinner, I went to the gym so as I passed the mailbox, I opened it to see if there was anything good. Bill from Best Buy, bill from RCN, and a card...from Anthony, addressed to my mom and to me. I opened it. It was a card thanking us for our hospitality. There was a handwritten note inside, to both, then a paragraph to Mom. He said some really sweet things to her about me.

I pushed the card back into the mailbox along with the bills and went to the gym. When I came home, I almost forgot to pick up the mail. One of the torn edges from the card's envelope was sticking out so I was reminded there was mail. I read the card again as I walked up the stairs.

Now, it's been nearly 2 weeks since I've cried about any of this. While I didn't launch into full-on waterworks tonight, reading his words stirred emotions and I got teary-eyed.

I also felt a little angry. Not at Anthony, but at the situation. I'm angry that I jumped through all the hoops and did the whole boyfriend thing very well and ended up back at square 1. I feel completely defeated by the whole thing. I've reconciled the other issues in my mind, but I'm just not happy with yet another false start. *sigh*

Anyway, back to almost going out. After I put my groceries away, I sat down for a few minutes and checked in with my friends on my message board. I had my iPad in my lap. I was yawning. The next thing I know, it's 20 minutes later. I had fallen asleep sitting upright. It seemed pretty clear at that point that this adventure I was planning on wasn't going to happen.

Tomorrow I'm visiting Vahona. I'm taking the train. Even if I take the later train, I still get back to the city by 8:30. I should be home by 9:00. Tomorrow night, I'm going out.

1 comment:

Dan said...

you should have burnt the card. :)