Third Friday that it hasn't been date night. This is the first one where I stayed home.
I hadn't intended upon staying in tonight. All day at work I was looking forward to going out. I didn't know if any of my friends were going out, I suppose I should have made some calls or sent some messages. Dan and Luis usually have date night on Friday night so more often than not they don't go out. I did check in with Steve, he was in for the evening. I knew that it wouldn't be a late night anyway because tomorrow I'm headed to Indiana to hang with Vahona. But the idea of venturing out on my own seemed appealing and exciting, something I haven't done since last summer. Wow. I guess it has been a while.
When I got home from work, the mail carrier was just parking his van at the corner so we had no mail. After dinner, I went to the gym so as I passed the mailbox, I opened it to see if there was anything good. Bill from Best Buy, bill from RCN, and a card...from Anthony, addressed to my mom and to me. I opened it. It was a card thanking us for our hospitality. There was a handwritten note inside, to both, then a paragraph to Mom. He said some really sweet things to her about me.
I pushed the card back into the mailbox along with the bills and went to the gym. When I came home, I almost forgot to pick up the mail. One of the torn edges from the card's envelope was sticking out so I was reminded there was mail. I read the card again as I walked up the stairs.
Now, it's been nearly 2 weeks since I've cried about any of this. While I didn't launch into full-on waterworks tonight, reading his words stirred emotions and I got teary-eyed.
I also felt a little angry. Not at Anthony, but at the situation. I'm angry that I jumped through all the hoops and did the whole boyfriend thing very well and ended up back at square 1. I feel completely defeated by the whole thing. I've reconciled the other issues in my mind, but I'm just not happy with yet another false start. *sigh*
Anyway, back to almost going out. After I put my groceries away, I sat down for a few minutes and checked in with my friends on my message board. I had my iPad in my lap. I was yawning. The next thing I know, it's 20 minutes later. I had fallen asleep sitting upright. It seemed pretty clear at that point that this adventure I was planning on wasn't going to happen.
Tomorrow I'm visiting Vahona. I'm taking the train. Even if I take the later train, I still get back to the city by 8:30. I should be home by 9:00. Tomorrow night, I'm going out.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
It's Oh So Quiet
Notice how quiet I am when I'm not whining about something? Sorry I've not been active this week but I'm kind of at one of those loss for words moments. Things are good, work is keeping me busy (ugh!) and I'm pretty much over winter. We haven't had a very bad winter but it has taken its toll. I'm not a fan of January in general, this one in particular has been a wild ride. Glad it's almost over.
What's new with you?
What's new with you?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Favorite New Show
I've been loving Modern Family and Cougar Town, but the show that's really got me laughing these days is:
HOT IN CLEVELAND!
HOT IN CLEVELAND!
The writing on this show is so great. It's clever, edgy and so funny. the acting is excellent, the characters are brilliantly cast.
I was skeptical at first, I figured this would be some silly show that got lucky with their casting and that they would cart Betty White through each episode for a line or two and some laughs. That's not the case. Even Betty has an interesting and hilarious story, she adds so much to the show.
Tonight was the season 2 premiere. It was so funny! I'm glad it's back. If you haven't seen this show, check it out.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mending Fences
Friday ended up being a very interesting day. I knew it would be...
Flashback to last Sunday. My friends all gathered at Steve's and did a really nice job of keeping me distracted and entertained after Anthony's departure. It was a rough day made a bit easier by their presence...but something felt "off."
Tuesday I decided that as a "thank you," I invited the group to dinner on Friday. Steve and Dan accepted. The others were busy.
I heard from Dan later in the week and he suggested that we get together to talk before dinner, he said that things have been unsettled between us and we needed to figure things out. It made me nervous but I felt a sense of relief that we would talk.
Then I got to thinking...during my relationship, I spent a lot of time with Anthony and we did things with his friends. Trying to be the pleaser, I opted to not rock the boat and just do things with his friends for a while, rather than put my foot down early-on and insist that we make plans with my friends. As time went on, it got easier to just go with the flow. I saw my friends from time to time but rarely with Anthony. I hate to admit it but I didn't give it a lot of thought. I was concerned from time to time but I took for granted that my friends would be patient and be there when I could make it work. Then when Anthony's decision to move was made, I went into "spend as much time as possible with him," and I stopped really trying to get everybody together.
And I got to thinking...here it was 5 days from Anthony's departure. I spent 5 months with him only to be single again. I felt lost, and like I had failed.
Also on my mind was the mess that had piled up at work. I had piles of paperwork all around my office. Various projects have prevented me from completing some of the more menial clerical tasks that unfortunately are also mine to do. Multiplied by 2 because I have 2 offices.
Add to that the usual worries about home, finances, etc...
All off that bubbled over at about 11 on Friday morning. I took a deep breath and realized I couldn't. I just started to cry. I couldn't stop. I realized that I had royally fucked up everything in my life and I was going to wind up miserable and alone. All of a sudden I was dreading everything and my stomach was in pain. I texted Dan in a panic and he was reassuring, telling me to relax. I managed to get to lunch and eat a couple bites of food. My coworker Andrea was sitting next to me and she rubbed my back. I guess I looked pretty pathetic.
I met Dan and Steve for drinks. We chatted and I heard nothing that surprised me. I had let my friends down and had been doing so for the past few months. I was sad but my first thought was how to fix things. Dan was firm but reassuring about everything.
The three of us ended up having a nice dinner. The conversation was fun and relaxed. We were all tired so after dinner, it was decided that we were heading home. Dan drove me home. He made me promise to talk to him about things...everything, and he promised me that he would not wait 4 months to smack some sense into me if I start falling into a similar pattern again.
I accept full blame for things. I really wish I had been more assertive with Anthony right from the start and worked to bring him into the fold. I would like to think that they would have gotten to know the Anthony I knew and fell in love with. I think they would have seen how funny and sweet he is. But, hindsight is 20/20 and it's something I will work on next time.
Right now, I've got my work cut out for me. I need to concentrate on mending fences with my sweet friends, those, who on a really difficult day, put their hurt feelings aside and rallied around me.
The work begins now.
Flashback to last Sunday. My friends all gathered at Steve's and did a really nice job of keeping me distracted and entertained after Anthony's departure. It was a rough day made a bit easier by their presence...but something felt "off."
Tuesday I decided that as a "thank you," I invited the group to dinner on Friday. Steve and Dan accepted. The others were busy.
I heard from Dan later in the week and he suggested that we get together to talk before dinner, he said that things have been unsettled between us and we needed to figure things out. It made me nervous but I felt a sense of relief that we would talk.
Then I got to thinking...during my relationship, I spent a lot of time with Anthony and we did things with his friends. Trying to be the pleaser, I opted to not rock the boat and just do things with his friends for a while, rather than put my foot down early-on and insist that we make plans with my friends. As time went on, it got easier to just go with the flow. I saw my friends from time to time but rarely with Anthony. I hate to admit it but I didn't give it a lot of thought. I was concerned from time to time but I took for granted that my friends would be patient and be there when I could make it work. Then when Anthony's decision to move was made, I went into "spend as much time as possible with him," and I stopped really trying to get everybody together.
And I got to thinking...here it was 5 days from Anthony's departure. I spent 5 months with him only to be single again. I felt lost, and like I had failed.
Also on my mind was the mess that had piled up at work. I had piles of paperwork all around my office. Various projects have prevented me from completing some of the more menial clerical tasks that unfortunately are also mine to do. Multiplied by 2 because I have 2 offices.
Add to that the usual worries about home, finances, etc...
All off that bubbled over at about 11 on Friday morning. I took a deep breath and realized I couldn't. I just started to cry. I couldn't stop. I realized that I had royally fucked up everything in my life and I was going to wind up miserable and alone. All of a sudden I was dreading everything and my stomach was in pain. I texted Dan in a panic and he was reassuring, telling me to relax. I managed to get to lunch and eat a couple bites of food. My coworker Andrea was sitting next to me and she rubbed my back. I guess I looked pretty pathetic.
I met Dan and Steve for drinks. We chatted and I heard nothing that surprised me. I had let my friends down and had been doing so for the past few months. I was sad but my first thought was how to fix things. Dan was firm but reassuring about everything.
The three of us ended up having a nice dinner. The conversation was fun and relaxed. We were all tired so after dinner, it was decided that we were heading home. Dan drove me home. He made me promise to talk to him about things...everything, and he promised me that he would not wait 4 months to smack some sense into me if I start falling into a similar pattern again.
I accept full blame for things. I really wish I had been more assertive with Anthony right from the start and worked to bring him into the fold. I would like to think that they would have gotten to know the Anthony I knew and fell in love with. I think they would have seen how funny and sweet he is. But, hindsight is 20/20 and it's something I will work on next time.
Right now, I've got my work cut out for me. I need to concentrate on mending fences with my sweet friends, those, who on a really difficult day, put their hurt feelings aside and rallied around me.
The work begins now.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
All The World's A Stage...
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts…”
- William Shakespeare - As You Like It, act 2, scene 7
People come in and out of our lives all the time. Some you encounter for a brief moment (the random person standing behind you at Starbucks last Tuesday, or someone who picks up the glove you just dropped on the ground). Others are there for a long time (a childhood friend who you’ve known since you were both in kindergarten). Some aren’t around long enough (a parent who’s life has ended, who at times you really need to hear their words of encouragement).
I think that all people come into our lives for a reason. They guide us along our path, providing wisdom, support, or an opposing view, causing us to think about our journey. We build bonds with family members. Those bonds may weaken at times but they remain our family and our connection to each one of them is unique. We make friends along the way, and if you’re lucky enough, like me, those friends are there for you through thick and thin.
I’ve said it all too often yet never enough, I have an amazing group of friends. Some step back and allow me to go along my path and make my own decisions. Others will tell me if the steps I’m about to make are the right ones, yet they allow me to choose the steps I make. All will be there for me if I’ve made a misstep and I need a hand to hold, a warm body to hug, or a shoulder upon which to cry. And when all is said and done, everybody has learned something new, about ourselves and each other.
Relationships happen when you least expect them. I’ve not had many, but those I’ve had have taught me great lessons. As I’m now dealing with the end of my current relationship, I’m thankful for the opportunity that I’ve had with a very special man. I’ve learned that I’ve faced one of the greatest challenges in my life so far. The ability to say goodbye and let go of someone I love.
Anthony’s entrance was defiitely unexpected. During our first meeting, I felt completely at ease with him and there was a sense of excitement. I could not wait to know more about him. He made me laugh and he made me think. I believe I did the same for him. Each outing that followed brought more laughs and warm feelings. Not once did I feel the need to pretend to be someone I’m not, nor did I worry about my family or friends welcoming and accepting him.
In the nearly five months we were together, he played the role of friend, lover, jester and confidant. He taught me about living life, about how I feel about myself, and about my ability to feel for others. He caused me to laugh until my stomach hurt, and caused me to cry until my eyes were red and swollen. He made me think about what I want out of life.
Anthony moved to the West Coast on Sunday. We ended our dating relationship on the best of terms. We both agreed that we will be a part of each other's lives. He has checked in on me to see how I'm doing. I've talked to him about his house hunt, we've both laughed about pictures of lunch and funny wigs.
The last days Anthony was here, he stayed with me. It gave us a lot of time to really talk about things and it turns out we were very much on the same page with a lot of things. Had it not been for this amazing job opportunity and the lure of a fantastic adventure, it seems likely we would have been together for a long time. Yet, I'm not sad when I think about that. Oddly enough, a feeling of calm came over me because it took me back to my friends all telling me to relax and enjoy, something that as much as I say I did, I never fully did. Oh I was probably 92 percent there, which is a heck of a lot more than when I was with Matthew. Though to his credit, I discovered Xanax so a shout out to him!
Now it's on to new adventures. It's time to look across the stage and see the next act. Like any great book, I'm sure there will be unexpected twists and turns in the story. I welcome them. It goes without saying, that I'll probably prattle on about them here, too.
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts…”
- William Shakespeare - As You Like It, act 2, scene 7
People come in and out of our lives all the time. Some you encounter for a brief moment (the random person standing behind you at Starbucks last Tuesday, or someone who picks up the glove you just dropped on the ground). Others are there for a long time (a childhood friend who you’ve known since you were both in kindergarten). Some aren’t around long enough (a parent who’s life has ended, who at times you really need to hear their words of encouragement).
I think that all people come into our lives for a reason. They guide us along our path, providing wisdom, support, or an opposing view, causing us to think about our journey. We build bonds with family members. Those bonds may weaken at times but they remain our family and our connection to each one of them is unique. We make friends along the way, and if you’re lucky enough, like me, those friends are there for you through thick and thin.
I’ve said it all too often yet never enough, I have an amazing group of friends. Some step back and allow me to go along my path and make my own decisions. Others will tell me if the steps I’m about to make are the right ones, yet they allow me to choose the steps I make. All will be there for me if I’ve made a misstep and I need a hand to hold, a warm body to hug, or a shoulder upon which to cry. And when all is said and done, everybody has learned something new, about ourselves and each other.
Relationships happen when you least expect them. I’ve not had many, but those I’ve had have taught me great lessons. As I’m now dealing with the end of my current relationship, I’m thankful for the opportunity that I’ve had with a very special man. I’ve learned that I’ve faced one of the greatest challenges in my life so far. The ability to say goodbye and let go of someone I love.
Anthony’s entrance was defiitely unexpected. During our first meeting, I felt completely at ease with him and there was a sense of excitement. I could not wait to know more about him. He made me laugh and he made me think. I believe I did the same for him. Each outing that followed brought more laughs and warm feelings. Not once did I feel the need to pretend to be someone I’m not, nor did I worry about my family or friends welcoming and accepting him.
In the nearly five months we were together, he played the role of friend, lover, jester and confidant. He taught me about living life, about how I feel about myself, and about my ability to feel for others. He caused me to laugh until my stomach hurt, and caused me to cry until my eyes were red and swollen. He made me think about what I want out of life.
Anthony moved to the West Coast on Sunday. We ended our dating relationship on the best of terms. We both agreed that we will be a part of each other's lives. He has checked in on me to see how I'm doing. I've talked to him about his house hunt, we've both laughed about pictures of lunch and funny wigs.
The last days Anthony was here, he stayed with me. It gave us a lot of time to really talk about things and it turns out we were very much on the same page with a lot of things. Had it not been for this amazing job opportunity and the lure of a fantastic adventure, it seems likely we would have been together for a long time. Yet, I'm not sad when I think about that. Oddly enough, a feeling of calm came over me because it took me back to my friends all telling me to relax and enjoy, something that as much as I say I did, I never fully did. Oh I was probably 92 percent there, which is a heck of a lot more than when I was with Matthew. Though to his credit, I discovered Xanax so a shout out to him!
Now it's on to new adventures. It's time to look across the stage and see the next act. Like any great book, I'm sure there will be unexpected twists and turns in the story. I welcome them. It goes without saying, that I'll probably prattle on about them here, too.
Monday, January 10, 2011
24 (plus a few) Hours After...
Saturday evening, Anthony and I were supposed to go to dinner together. His plan was to dine downtown and have drinks at Trump Tower. Unfortunately he came down with a cold on Thursday and by Saturday, while he wasn't down for the count, he was tired. I sensed this in the late afternoon as we were returning home from a trek to Best Buy. I suggested we toss our dinner plans, order in and relax. He suggested we still go out, but dine in the neighborhood. We did, and had a nice dinner. Afterwards we stopped off at Marty's for a drink. The bar staff in there is so nice. As crowded as the place was, they made room for us at the bar. I credit my dear friend Steve with that. Having been in there with him enough times, they give me much the same sort of attention, which is pretty darn cool.
We came home, talked for a while, looked at pictures and went to bed. I won't lie, it was not an easy night for me to fall asleep, only because I was feeling emotional about it being our last night.
Sunday morning came and we were both kind of quiet. He gathered his things, I fetched us some coffee. He had made a reservation to meet a couple of his tech friends for brunch and I went along. While there, I had a signal on my phone that there was a Facebook message.
Belinda Carlisle
sending you my thoughts and lots of love....xxxx
Yesterday at 10:38am ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (16)Hide Feedback (16) · See Friendship
I about fell over. I gasped and Anthony asked what was wrong. I showed him the post and he had a very similar reaction.
Brunch was nice, but it was over quickly. Now it was time for him to come back, gather his things and get to the airport. My very sweet friend Tina graciously offered to drive him. He was unable to secure a ride from any of his friends so he gladly accepted Tina's offer. I chose not to go. We spent a few minutes saying a quiet goodbye, then Tina was here. Before I knew it, the car was driving away. He was gone.
Earlier in the week, Tina asked me if I wanted to be alone that evening or if she should "gather the flock." I chose not to be alone. Shortly after, she had taken care of everything and told me where to be and at what time. Since Steve was hosting, he told me I could come as early as I wanted. I chose to go over there after Anthony left. I'm glad I did, it was nice visiting with him.
At about 5, the rest of the troops arrived, each with bags filled with stuff. Dips and chips. Drinks and mixers. And there was laughter, lots of it. It was nice. No, it was amazing. A perfectly casual evening spent with a group of people I love like family.
In hindsight, I should have done more to integrate Anthony into the group. We all went out a couple times, but not often enough. I feel bad that I wasn't more assertive with wanting to do more things with my friends. It has always been my nature to try to please everybody. In this case, I guess I felt obligated to please Anthony, figuring my friends were already pleased. Anyway, in true fashion, they were and are there for me. When I could have been at home and feeling like crap, they made sure that didn't happen.
Today was orientation. I present benefits information to the new hires on a monthly basis. I woke up feeling really good, but my mood quickly spiraled into sadness. I wanted to just stay home but I couldn't. I had actually alerted my co-presenter and my area HR Director that I might not be up to presenting. Both understood and had a plan in place to cover for my absence. As it turned out, the presentation went well, nobody knew anything was wrong, except that I kept losing my voice.
The remainder of the workday was relatively uneventful. The few who were "in the know" were asking how I was doing. That made me a little sad.
It's nearing bedtime and I feel pretty good about things. In my mind I'm at peace with everything. My heart still hurts and it will for some time. I think Anthony's will too. I know that we'll both be fine. I certainly will, my friends will see to it.
We came home, talked for a while, looked at pictures and went to bed. I won't lie, it was not an easy night for me to fall asleep, only because I was feeling emotional about it being our last night.
Sunday morning came and we were both kind of quiet. He gathered his things, I fetched us some coffee. He had made a reservation to meet a couple of his tech friends for brunch and I went along. While there, I had a signal on my phone that there was a Facebook message.
Belinda Carlisle
sending you my thoughts and lots of love....xxxx
Yesterday at 10:38am ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (16)Hide Feedback (16) · See Friendship
I about fell over. I gasped and Anthony asked what was wrong. I showed him the post and he had a very similar reaction.
Brunch was nice, but it was over quickly. Now it was time for him to come back, gather his things and get to the airport. My very sweet friend Tina graciously offered to drive him. He was unable to secure a ride from any of his friends so he gladly accepted Tina's offer. I chose not to go. We spent a few minutes saying a quiet goodbye, then Tina was here. Before I knew it, the car was driving away. He was gone.
Earlier in the week, Tina asked me if I wanted to be alone that evening or if she should "gather the flock." I chose not to be alone. Shortly after, she had taken care of everything and told me where to be and at what time. Since Steve was hosting, he told me I could come as early as I wanted. I chose to go over there after Anthony left. I'm glad I did, it was nice visiting with him.
At about 5, the rest of the troops arrived, each with bags filled with stuff. Dips and chips. Drinks and mixers. And there was laughter, lots of it. It was nice. No, it was amazing. A perfectly casual evening spent with a group of people I love like family.
In hindsight, I should have done more to integrate Anthony into the group. We all went out a couple times, but not often enough. I feel bad that I wasn't more assertive with wanting to do more things with my friends. It has always been my nature to try to please everybody. In this case, I guess I felt obligated to please Anthony, figuring my friends were already pleased. Anyway, in true fashion, they were and are there for me. When I could have been at home and feeling like crap, they made sure that didn't happen.
Today was orientation. I present benefits information to the new hires on a monthly basis. I woke up feeling really good, but my mood quickly spiraled into sadness. I wanted to just stay home but I couldn't. I had actually alerted my co-presenter and my area HR Director that I might not be up to presenting. Both understood and had a plan in place to cover for my absence. As it turned out, the presentation went well, nobody knew anything was wrong, except that I kept losing my voice.
The remainder of the workday was relatively uneventful. The few who were "in the know" were asking how I was doing. That made me a little sad.
It's nearing bedtime and I feel pretty good about things. In my mind I'm at peace with everything. My heart still hurts and it will for some time. I think Anthony's will too. I know that we'll both be fine. I certainly will, my friends will see to it.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
An Online Goodbye
My Dearest Anthony,
This is an open letter to you, as it serves as the "liner notes" to the CD I created for commemorate the time we spent together. I didn't have room on the disc itself to list my reasons for including these songs, so I will instead post them here and share with everybody the music I used to say goodbye.
Before I discuss the songs, I wanted to let you know that I will always cherish the time we spent together. You taught me how to love, how to live and how to look inside myself. I have asked myself over and over, knowing the outcome, would I do this all over again. That answer is a resounding yes. I can't imagine not knowing you. I can only hope that your answer would be the same.
I don't know what the future will hold for us. I do know that we will always be friends. I can't imagine not having you in my life in some capacity. As I told you, my home is your home, and it always will be. You always have a place to stay when (and yes, I said when!) you visit Chicago. As for "us," we are ending a chapter but I don't believe the book is finished. Only time will tell. We will both go on living our lives, but who's to say that the road won't take an unexpected turn or two? I've learned to never say never.
While it may sound cliche', let's not call this "goodbye." Let's instead say "see you later." When "later" may be, we just don't know right now.
Now, onto the music -
Some songs have meaning on their own...either a shared experience or a common interest. Some are included because there's a line or two in the song that expresses so well how I feel or have felt during our relationship. As articulate as I can be, sometimes songs say it better.
"King For A Day" - The Thompson Twins - shortly into our relationship we learned that we both loved The Thompson Twins. One morning at work, this song popped up on my iPod and the chorus stood out on my mind - "If I were king for just one day, I would give it all away. I would give it all away to be with you." I texted you those words, not just because I was hoping the reference would be caught, but also because it had quickly become how I felt about you.
"If You Leave" - OMD - This is just one of those mellodramatic songs from the 80's that became the anthem of a John Hughes film, but it popped up last week and the opening verse stood out - "If you leave, don't leave now, please don't take my heart away. I promise you just one more night, then we'll go on our separate ways." With that said, even though you won't physically be near me, you will not have left my heart.
"Crossfire" - Brandon Flowers - This is the first single from his solo CD, and we enjoyed his concert together. For me it was a really special night. I love the lyrics in this song. There's a line in the song that says "And when the hardest part is over we'll be here. And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears." When I hear it, I get chills.
"One More Last Kiss" - Ivy - Ivy is a band who I was introduced to a few years ago by a former coworker. I quickly became a fan. This song is one that I think is so sad and beautiful. There isn't one line or verse that doesn't fit this situation. Last month I posted the lyrics to this song in my blog.
"Afterglow" - INXS - The line in the chorus "touch me and I will follow, in your afterglow. Heal me from all this sorrow, as I let you go. I will find my way when I see your eyes, now I'm living in your afterglow", could not be more perfect.
"Mad About You" - Belinda Carlisle - Whenever I hear this song and the line "Mad about you, lost in your eyes" is sung, I will forever think of all the time I spent staring into your beautiful blue eyes. At random, I texted this to you one afternoon and you quickly replied "I know that one, it's a Belinda song." I loved that you knew that.
"Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop." - Landon Pigg - I discovered this song kind of by accident. It was being used in a commercial but I never gave it a second thought aside from thinking the line "I think that possibly maybe I'm falling for you," is a really sweet, endearing line. Only after hearing the song did I connect with it. The song could not be more perfect unless it was called "falling in Love at Starbucks." Our first meeting was there, and I knew at that moment that I wanted to know all about you. "I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too."
"Don't Speak" - No Doubt - "I really feel like I'm losing a best friend. I can't believe this is the end." In such a short time, we connected and I feel like you've become one of my best friends. I don't believe this will change.
"I Think I Need Sleep" - The Go-Go's - So I'm sharing this song with you because not only is it a classic example of a Go-Go's song (happy sounding music, cute song title but angst-ridden lyrics), but there have been nights where I've fallen asleep only to dream about you. Mind you, not quite in the nightmare fashion as described on this song. Okay, I really just wanted to include a Go-Go's song. C'mon, you knew it was coming.
"More Than This" - Roxy Music - Bryan Ferry writes such beautiful lyrics. A prime example is this verse "It was fun for a while/There was no way of knowing/Like a dream in the night/Who can say where we're going"
"Sleeping to Dream" - Jason Mraz - This is a sweet song he performs live in concert. This I guess is the opposite story as told in the Go-Go's song. I'm drawn to the lyric "I found myself in the riches/Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere/I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and thought you might be here/But you were nowhere/Well you were nowhere. " Often after spending a couple nights in your bed, the next night at home I found myself missing you next to me. Thinking about that right now, I'm teary-eyed. Never have I slept so comfortably next to someone.
Right now, my heart hurts, a lot. It will for some time. I want you to know that I really felt that you were "the one." I dreamed of spending countless years with you instead of just a few months. I felt a connection to you that I've never felt before. Having said that, who knows where this crazy road will lead...
I wish you happiness, success and a grand adventure as you end your time in Chicago. Know that I will always be here to lend an ear, to be a voice of reason, and to cheer you on. I want nothing but the best of everything for you. I want you to know that I have no regrets over any of this, nor do I regret being the one to have said "I Love You." Please know that I felt loved the entire time we spent together.
Love,
Jim
This is an open letter to you, as it serves as the "liner notes" to the CD I created for commemorate the time we spent together. I didn't have room on the disc itself to list my reasons for including these songs, so I will instead post them here and share with everybody the music I used to say goodbye.
Before I discuss the songs, I wanted to let you know that I will always cherish the time we spent together. You taught me how to love, how to live and how to look inside myself. I have asked myself over and over, knowing the outcome, would I do this all over again. That answer is a resounding yes. I can't imagine not knowing you. I can only hope that your answer would be the same.
I don't know what the future will hold for us. I do know that we will always be friends. I can't imagine not having you in my life in some capacity. As I told you, my home is your home, and it always will be. You always have a place to stay when (and yes, I said when!) you visit Chicago. As for "us," we are ending a chapter but I don't believe the book is finished. Only time will tell. We will both go on living our lives, but who's to say that the road won't take an unexpected turn or two? I've learned to never say never.
While it may sound cliche', let's not call this "goodbye." Let's instead say "see you later." When "later" may be, we just don't know right now.
Now, onto the music -
Some songs have meaning on their own...either a shared experience or a common interest. Some are included because there's a line or two in the song that expresses so well how I feel or have felt during our relationship. As articulate as I can be, sometimes songs say it better.
"King For A Day" - The Thompson Twins - shortly into our relationship we learned that we both loved The Thompson Twins. One morning at work, this song popped up on my iPod and the chorus stood out on my mind - "If I were king for just one day, I would give it all away. I would give it all away to be with you." I texted you those words, not just because I was hoping the reference would be caught, but also because it had quickly become how I felt about you.
"If You Leave" - OMD - This is just one of those mellodramatic songs from the 80's that became the anthem of a John Hughes film, but it popped up last week and the opening verse stood out - "If you leave, don't leave now, please don't take my heart away. I promise you just one more night, then we'll go on our separate ways." With that said, even though you won't physically be near me, you will not have left my heart.
"Crossfire" - Brandon Flowers - This is the first single from his solo CD, and we enjoyed his concert together. For me it was a really special night. I love the lyrics in this song. There's a line in the song that says "And when the hardest part is over we'll be here. And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears." When I hear it, I get chills.
"One More Last Kiss" - Ivy - Ivy is a band who I was introduced to a few years ago by a former coworker. I quickly became a fan. This song is one that I think is so sad and beautiful. There isn't one line or verse that doesn't fit this situation. Last month I posted the lyrics to this song in my blog.
"Afterglow" - INXS - The line in the chorus "touch me and I will follow, in your afterglow. Heal me from all this sorrow, as I let you go. I will find my way when I see your eyes, now I'm living in your afterglow", could not be more perfect.
"Mad About You" - Belinda Carlisle - Whenever I hear this song and the line "Mad about you, lost in your eyes" is sung, I will forever think of all the time I spent staring into your beautiful blue eyes. At random, I texted this to you one afternoon and you quickly replied "I know that one, it's a Belinda song." I loved that you knew that.
"Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop." - Landon Pigg - I discovered this song kind of by accident. It was being used in a commercial but I never gave it a second thought aside from thinking the line "I think that possibly maybe I'm falling for you," is a really sweet, endearing line. Only after hearing the song did I connect with it. The song could not be more perfect unless it was called "falling in Love at Starbucks." Our first meeting was there, and I knew at that moment that I wanted to know all about you. "I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too."
"Don't Speak" - No Doubt - "I really feel like I'm losing a best friend. I can't believe this is the end." In such a short time, we connected and I feel like you've become one of my best friends. I don't believe this will change.
"I Think I Need Sleep" - The Go-Go's - So I'm sharing this song with you because not only is it a classic example of a Go-Go's song (happy sounding music, cute song title but angst-ridden lyrics), but there have been nights where I've fallen asleep only to dream about you. Mind you, not quite in the nightmare fashion as described on this song. Okay, I really just wanted to include a Go-Go's song. C'mon, you knew it was coming.
"More Than This" - Roxy Music - Bryan Ferry writes such beautiful lyrics. A prime example is this verse "It was fun for a while/There was no way of knowing/Like a dream in the night/Who can say where we're going"
"Sleeping to Dream" - Jason Mraz - This is a sweet song he performs live in concert. This I guess is the opposite story as told in the Go-Go's song. I'm drawn to the lyric "I found myself in the riches/Your eyes, your lips, your hair and you were everywhere/I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and thought you might be here/But you were nowhere/Well you were nowhere. " Often after spending a couple nights in your bed, the next night at home I found myself missing you next to me. Thinking about that right now, I'm teary-eyed. Never have I slept so comfortably next to someone.
"Blue Kiss" - Jane Wiedlin - Talk about an seemingly obscure pick, aside from the fact that Jane has been a good friend to me over the years, this song was off of her first solo album back in 1985. The song starts with "A blue kiss, coloring me goodbye/A new kiss, could never feel so fine/Tomorrow I'll be living in black and white." I think no further explanation is necessary.
"Mr Brightside" - The Killers - There isn't really a lyric here that stands out, but the title is who I tried to be for you. Often after a bad day at work, or after a worrysome conversation about family, I did my best to be there for you and offer you an encouraging word or find the silver lining in the cloud. I hope my efforts offered you some peace of mind. I hope to still be able to do that for you, don't ever hesitate to call when you need some encouraging words.
"Live Your Life Be Free" - Belinda Carlisle - Sure I could cut to the chase and say that the reason I've included this is because the point of the song is someone pleading to another peson "you should be with me," but the real reason I've included it is because the overall message of the song is about doing what makes you happy and feel free. You're doing this, taking this leap of faith and embarking on a fabulous adventure. You are doing what the song title suggests. I envy your ability to do that.
"Head Over Heels" - Tears for Fears - Simply, the first line of the song says "I wanted to be with you alone, and talk about the weather." Flash back to our first meeting, sitting in Starbucks and you were so excited to show me what you do for a living. You took out your phone and started showing me apps, one of which was a weather app. Yes, I remember these things.
"I Will Take Care of You" - The Bangles - Yes, the other "all-girl" band. This song was off of their last CD and it such a pretty, quiet ballad. There is no one line or pair of lines I want to pick out and quote. I just love the sentiment of the entire song. Had the circumstances been different, I would take care of you. Yes, that includes keeping you safe from zombies. :)
"Ne Me Quitte Pas" - Belinda Carlisle - She's back. The song title translates to "If You Go Away." Even sung in French, you know this is someone who is saddened by the departure of someone she loves. Nothing more needs to be said about this song choice.
"Dream a Little Dream of Me" - Cass Elliott - Another simple, beautiful song with a title that says it all. I can only hope, as you move away, you will dream a little dream of me. Know that I will be dreaming a little dream of you.
Please know that while I could have included "My Heart Will Go On" by one Celine Dion, I emphatically refused to do so. I'm sappy and sentimental, but that's pushing it. :)
Right now, my heart hurts, a lot. It will for some time. I want you to know that I really felt that you were "the one." I dreamed of spending countless years with you instead of just a few months. I felt a connection to you that I've never felt before. Having said that, who knows where this crazy road will lead...
I wish you happiness, success and a grand adventure as you end your time in Chicago. Know that I will always be here to lend an ear, to be a voice of reason, and to cheer you on. I want nothing but the best of everything for you. I want you to know that I have no regrets over any of this, nor do I regret being the one to have said "I Love You." Please know that I felt loved the entire time we spent together.
Love,
Jim
Saturday, January 8, 2011
24 Hours
Anthony leaves tomorrow. He's been staying at my house since last night. I love that we have this last bit of time to spend together, it makes me happy. I hate knowing that our time together is limited.
Last night we went to dinner with some of our friends. His friends, who over time have become my friends. It was nice. Anthony was asked to compare how he feels about leaving Chicago to how he felt about leaving Boston. He said he was definitely attached to Boston, he loves that city and it was difficult to leave. He said he's not as attached to Chicago, but he's leaving me, so in that regard it's difficult. He put his hand on my knee as he said that. I had to excuse myself from the table to keep from launching into full cry. I went into the bathroom, composed myself and came back.
After dinner, we came back to my house instead of going out. Anthony is fighting a cold (which in a few days I no doubt will be fighting...oh well) so it seemed wise to just come home and relax.
Today he's running some errands. I'll gocery shop and do the same. We'll meet back here later. Tonight, we'll have dinner together, alone.
This experience has been one of the most difficult things that I've ever endured. With that said, I would do it again.
I just wish I didn't even have to consider it.
Last night we went to dinner with some of our friends. His friends, who over time have become my friends. It was nice. Anthony was asked to compare how he feels about leaving Chicago to how he felt about leaving Boston. He said he was definitely attached to Boston, he loves that city and it was difficult to leave. He said he's not as attached to Chicago, but he's leaving me, so in that regard it's difficult. He put his hand on my knee as he said that. I had to excuse myself from the table to keep from launching into full cry. I went into the bathroom, composed myself and came back.
After dinner, we came back to my house instead of going out. Anthony is fighting a cold (which in a few days I no doubt will be fighting...oh well) so it seemed wise to just come home and relax.
Today he's running some errands. I'll gocery shop and do the same. We'll meet back here later. Tonight, we'll have dinner together, alone.
This experience has been one of the most difficult things that I've ever endured. With that said, I would do it again.
I just wish I didn't even have to consider it.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Six
Meet "The Six"I guess Polo was bored the other day, perhaps he was high on cold medication. He sent us each this file and simply titled the picture "The Six." From left to right is Tina, Polo, Dan, Luis, Denise and Me.
These images were simplified, each of us actually have our own individual pictures, with an appropriate background and a few words to describe each of us. The dialogue that was sent around about each image was priceless. I was laughing the entire morning. The funny thing is that he has captured each of us so well. Tina's blond and cute and has a warm smile. Polo has his big hair and glasses and is in short sleeves because he's always warm. Dan has "that expression," which was described as "that look you get when you pretend you're mad at Luis and Polo but really you aren't." Luis looks happy with his peace symbol necklace and fun t-shirt, just the same vibe he gives off when he's around and feeling relaxed. Denise is sticking her tongue out because she hates having her picture taken. Her hair is short and cute, and she's well accessorized. I'm in my "proper" attire, wearing argyle and a tie. Apparently I'm not smiling because I haven't had my coffee. (that's true, that is how I look without coffee in the morning!)
What I think is special is the fact that we were simply called "The Six." There's no better way to describe us. When the six of us are together, it's a pretty amazing time. We are there for each other in laughter, in tears, or just to cheer one or another on.
Sure, we have other friends. Our friend Steve travels and isn't able to be with us as often as he or we would like, but when he's around, he's a welcomed addition. Occasionally my friend Vahona will appear at one event or another and she fits in well. Others have brought friends along, but when all is said and done, we're still "The Six."
I love us very much.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Cheers and a few Tears
Here's my first post of the new year. I'm afraid it's going to sound very much like many of my posts from the last month of 2010. If you don't want to read more of the same, then turn away now.
Okay, you've been warned.
Happy New Year. 2011 is off to an interesting start, and truthfully I wouldn't mind if this was the peak of it, but I know it's not. So here's how my weekend went.
Let's backtrack to December 30. I worked, then came home and met Anthony and his 18 year old nephew Andrew for dinner. We went to a restaurant called Smoque, which is down the street from one of my offices so I'm familiar with it. This was Anthony's first time there, he was curious to try it. The line was out the door so the three of us chatted. I was thrilled to meet Andrew and learn about his time in Chicago. He loves the city and had a blast. His Uncle "Tony" showed him a good time, taking him to cool neighborhoods and tourist attractions. Eventually we were seated and before long we enjoyed a fantastic meal. Later that evening we went to an improv show at The Annoyance Theatre. It was a super-funny show and a nice last night for Andrew's Chicago visit.
Friday I did some shopping then met up with Anthony, Benjamin and Anthony's cousin Matt who arrived in town that afternoon to spend the weekend. We went to a neighborhood restaurant for dinner which was terribly disappointing. Afterwards we met up with Dan and Luis at Jackhammer where we rang in the new year. It meant a lot to me to ring in the new year with Dan, with whom I have done so for the past 8 years. It was also nice celebrating it with a boyfriend for once. After the fanfare was finished Anthony wandered off with his cousin. Eventually I found them in the upstairs section of the bar, chatting with a couple friends. I talked for a while, then suggested to Anthony that we sneak out and go home for some alone time. He liked that idea. Matt and Benjamin were having a good time at the bar so they stayed behind. Dan and Luis were elsewhere so I didn't get to say goodnight to them.
The following morning I cooked breakfast for everybody - pancakes, bacon and sausage. It was delicious. But I had to run because later that day I was hosting a party at my house. That party turned into quite the festive event. Anthony, Benjamin and Matt got to meet my friends Karen and Cyd, who I've know for a very long time. Everybody got along very well and had a fantastic time.
Somehow we found the strength to go out that evening, we wound up at Big Chicks and stayed for a couple drinks. Benjamin stayed behind, Anthony, Matt and I went back to the apartment. Sometime after 5 am, I heard loud footsteps in the apartment and someone yelling "this is fucking bullshit, I ought to shoot you right now!" Needless to say I bolted upright from a sound sleep and freaked. Anthony just sort of brushed it off. I'm unsure how he could sleep with the sound of my heard pounding. I thought someone had broken into the apartment and was ready to kill us. I was sick to my stomach at the thought but knew I needed to remain completely silent. I listened and heard the footsteps walk back towards the front of the house. At that point, I considered exiting via the bedroom window, figuring a 2-story drop might break my legs but I could survive that. For some reason I just stayed and listened. Turns out, Benjamin brought home some friends who were prehaps drunk and had become rowdy. When I finally got up to go to the bathroom, everybody (Benjamin, his 3 new friends and Matt, who just kind of got stuck in it all) were up drinking and talking loudly. I did my best to give whomever may have seen me a dirty look as I went back to bed, then slammed the bedroom door. Let's just say that I was none too pleased in the morning and sick to my stomach the rest of the day.
Sunday the 2nd was Anthony's "Bon Voyage" party, again at Big Chicks. I ran some errands earlier in the day, then came home to get ready to meet up with the boys, again. Anthony, Matt and I had dinner at Crew, a gay sports bar. We then walked over to Big Chicks. Anthony had at least 2 dozen guests who came by to wish him well and have a drink with him. I was introduced to each one as his boyfriend, and we graciously ducked the "oh, are you moving to California too?" question by telling people that we are in the process of weighing our options and will figure out the best solution shortly. I decided that it wouldn't be nice to make anybody feel bad by just simply answering "no, I'm not." For the 3+ hours, I smiled and gracioustly greeted his friends, many of whom I'd met at one event or another. It was nice to see them again, unsure if I'll see them ever again but whatever.
The party wound down and Anthony, Matt and I went back to the apartment. Benjamin stayed home and was asleep when we got there. Matt decided he was going to drive back to Michigan. He only had 1 drink during dinner and was wide awake. Since he prefers to drive at night, it seemed like a good time to go. We said goodnight then went to bed.
I decided last night to give Anthony his going away present. Among the few small things I gave to him was a framed picture of us. It was taken at an event last October and it's a great photo of the both of us. He has said on numerous occasions how he loves it. When he opened it, he smiled and was so happy to have it. He opened everything but the card, saying he would save that for later. I think if he had read it, we'd have both cried. I sobbed as I wrote it. We turned out the lights and went to bed. He held me and we talked for about a half hour. It was nice.
This morning, a representative from the company coordinating his cross-country move arrived. They talked in the living room, I sat in the kitchen with my iPad. When they made their way to the back of the apartment, the guy introduced himself to me and asked me if I had any questions about how the move would go, I just said I did not. Anthony gave me a glance as if to say "I'm sorry." I smiled. I've gotten really good at smiling even when I don't feel like it. They finished, the guy left and Anthony informed me that on Friday, the packers would come in, pack everything and put it all on the truck. I said "but you're not leaving until Sunday." He said "I know." I said "where are you going to sleep for two nights?" He said "TBD." I said "well...you can stay with me." He said "good, because I was going to ask you if I could." With that, we started cleaning out his kitchen cabinets and I became the recipient of 2 bags of groceries. Afterwards he came over here with me, picked up something that he needed from my place, and went home to begin purging. I went on to the book store, then I took myself out for lunch.
Tonight in a fit of anxiety, I took down the Christmas tree...literally. I stripped the tree of all its ornaments, threw the tree in it's storage bad and hauled it out to the trash. The next tree I buy will be a slender tree.
I've been fine most of the day, but the process of taking down the tree made me feel a little melancholy. Anthony helped me put up the tree, so taking it down so close to him leaving seemed like yet another ending. I'm sad thinking about it.
I know things will get better. I know you're relieved to read that because by now you're sick of me whining about my relationship woes. I'm just processing it all right now.
So, what did you do for New Year's Eve?
Okay, you've been warned.
Happy New Year. 2011 is off to an interesting start, and truthfully I wouldn't mind if this was the peak of it, but I know it's not. So here's how my weekend went.
Let's backtrack to December 30. I worked, then came home and met Anthony and his 18 year old nephew Andrew for dinner. We went to a restaurant called Smoque, which is down the street from one of my offices so I'm familiar with it. This was Anthony's first time there, he was curious to try it. The line was out the door so the three of us chatted. I was thrilled to meet Andrew and learn about his time in Chicago. He loves the city and had a blast. His Uncle "Tony" showed him a good time, taking him to cool neighborhoods and tourist attractions. Eventually we were seated and before long we enjoyed a fantastic meal. Later that evening we went to an improv show at The Annoyance Theatre. It was a super-funny show and a nice last night for Andrew's Chicago visit.
Friday I did some shopping then met up with Anthony, Benjamin and Anthony's cousin Matt who arrived in town that afternoon to spend the weekend. We went to a neighborhood restaurant for dinner which was terribly disappointing. Afterwards we met up with Dan and Luis at Jackhammer where we rang in the new year. It meant a lot to me to ring in the new year with Dan, with whom I have done so for the past 8 years. It was also nice celebrating it with a boyfriend for once. After the fanfare was finished Anthony wandered off with his cousin. Eventually I found them in the upstairs section of the bar, chatting with a couple friends. I talked for a while, then suggested to Anthony that we sneak out and go home for some alone time. He liked that idea. Matt and Benjamin were having a good time at the bar so they stayed behind. Dan and Luis were elsewhere so I didn't get to say goodnight to them.
The following morning I cooked breakfast for everybody - pancakes, bacon and sausage. It was delicious. But I had to run because later that day I was hosting a party at my house. That party turned into quite the festive event. Anthony, Benjamin and Matt got to meet my friends Karen and Cyd, who I've know for a very long time. Everybody got along very well and had a fantastic time.
Somehow we found the strength to go out that evening, we wound up at Big Chicks and stayed for a couple drinks. Benjamin stayed behind, Anthony, Matt and I went back to the apartment. Sometime after 5 am, I heard loud footsteps in the apartment and someone yelling "this is fucking bullshit, I ought to shoot you right now!" Needless to say I bolted upright from a sound sleep and freaked. Anthony just sort of brushed it off. I'm unsure how he could sleep with the sound of my heard pounding. I thought someone had broken into the apartment and was ready to kill us. I was sick to my stomach at the thought but knew I needed to remain completely silent. I listened and heard the footsteps walk back towards the front of the house. At that point, I considered exiting via the bedroom window, figuring a 2-story drop might break my legs but I could survive that. For some reason I just stayed and listened. Turns out, Benjamin brought home some friends who were prehaps drunk and had become rowdy. When I finally got up to go to the bathroom, everybody (Benjamin, his 3 new friends and Matt, who just kind of got stuck in it all) were up drinking and talking loudly. I did my best to give whomever may have seen me a dirty look as I went back to bed, then slammed the bedroom door. Let's just say that I was none too pleased in the morning and sick to my stomach the rest of the day.
Sunday the 2nd was Anthony's "Bon Voyage" party, again at Big Chicks. I ran some errands earlier in the day, then came home to get ready to meet up with the boys, again. Anthony, Matt and I had dinner at Crew, a gay sports bar. We then walked over to Big Chicks. Anthony had at least 2 dozen guests who came by to wish him well and have a drink with him. I was introduced to each one as his boyfriend, and we graciously ducked the "oh, are you moving to California too?" question by telling people that we are in the process of weighing our options and will figure out the best solution shortly. I decided that it wouldn't be nice to make anybody feel bad by just simply answering "no, I'm not." For the 3+ hours, I smiled and gracioustly greeted his friends, many of whom I'd met at one event or another. It was nice to see them again, unsure if I'll see them ever again but whatever.
The party wound down and Anthony, Matt and I went back to the apartment. Benjamin stayed home and was asleep when we got there. Matt decided he was going to drive back to Michigan. He only had 1 drink during dinner and was wide awake. Since he prefers to drive at night, it seemed like a good time to go. We said goodnight then went to bed.
I decided last night to give Anthony his going away present. Among the few small things I gave to him was a framed picture of us. It was taken at an event last October and it's a great photo of the both of us. He has said on numerous occasions how he loves it. When he opened it, he smiled and was so happy to have it. He opened everything but the card, saying he would save that for later. I think if he had read it, we'd have both cried. I sobbed as I wrote it. We turned out the lights and went to bed. He held me and we talked for about a half hour. It was nice.
This morning, a representative from the company coordinating his cross-country move arrived. They talked in the living room, I sat in the kitchen with my iPad. When they made their way to the back of the apartment, the guy introduced himself to me and asked me if I had any questions about how the move would go, I just said I did not. Anthony gave me a glance as if to say "I'm sorry." I smiled. I've gotten really good at smiling even when I don't feel like it. They finished, the guy left and Anthony informed me that on Friday, the packers would come in, pack everything and put it all on the truck. I said "but you're not leaving until Sunday." He said "I know." I said "where are you going to sleep for two nights?" He said "TBD." I said "well...you can stay with me." He said "good, because I was going to ask you if I could." With that, we started cleaning out his kitchen cabinets and I became the recipient of 2 bags of groceries. Afterwards he came over here with me, picked up something that he needed from my place, and went home to begin purging. I went on to the book store, then I took myself out for lunch.
Tonight in a fit of anxiety, I took down the Christmas tree...literally. I stripped the tree of all its ornaments, threw the tree in it's storage bad and hauled it out to the trash. The next tree I buy will be a slender tree.
I've been fine most of the day, but the process of taking down the tree made me feel a little melancholy. Anthony helped me put up the tree, so taking it down so close to him leaving seemed like yet another ending. I'm sad thinking about it.
I know things will get better. I know you're relieved to read that because by now you're sick of me whining about my relationship woes. I'm just processing it all right now.
So, what did you do for New Year's Eve?
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