Tuesday, January 6, 2009

In My Dreams

File Under: Sleeping to dream

I don't remember many of my dreams, probably 20 percent of them. This morning I had one that woke me out of my sound sleep.

I heard a chime that was apparently my cell phone telling me I had a text message. I looked at it, it was from Matthew. He said "Wishing an old friend a Good Afternoon. Hope you are well. I miss you." I read the message and slammed the phone back down on my table, contemplating how to answer it. Then another chime rang and that's where I actually woke up and was wide awake. Luckily it was at 5:20 this morning, close to when my alarm normally goes off so I wasn't too mad about missing any sleep.

This week is the last I know of Matthew's schedule. I knew he had a work trip to Munich, for which he left on Sunday. The text of the dream message made sense as it would have been afternoon in Munich when it was received. And it was just like the text messages that he would often send to me (well, not the "old friend" part, but the "I miss you") when he was traveling.

After a couple minutes, I actually picked up the phone to see if it had been a dream. It was.

I guess I still have questions about why things happened the way they did. From time to time, I wonder if he has regrets. I wonder if he thinks of me. I'm fully confident in saying that if he were to call or send a note asking me to see him again, I wouldn't. But, given the opportunity to talk to him, I would. I think I would hope that he would ask me to forgive him and give him another chance. There's a certain amount of pleasure I would get from hearing him out, then looking at him and saying "No, I don't think so. Sorry."

Anyway, it will never happen, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it.

I know...let it go. I have, really.


Beth said...

sometimes it's HARD to let go. I STILL think of my Baby Daddy and what I would say to him if he ever came back, which he won't cuz he's dead, but still....but I KNOW I wouldn't be strong. I'd be in that man's pants in a second!!! and that is the truth!

love you Jimbo. Hang in there....


Jimbo said...

Aw, you're sweet. I'm actually fine. I'm not even sad anymore. I miss the random little sweet gestures like the text messages and the calls during the day saying "I just wanted to hear your voice." I can't say that I would want to get anywhere near his pants after the way he behaved. Besides, he's got a small dick. ;)


Berry Blog said...

Oh Jimbo...it takes so long and sometimes we never can let go.I have vivid dreams of my lover of 20 years- and he died 20 years ago.The dreams are always of our hard times together- the jealousy, the arguing,the betrayals, the cheating, etc. If by some miracle today, he walked in the door I'm just not sure how I would react ( well, other than the obvious impossibility of it). I think I would believe it, and still not be able to cope. I would want to melt in his arms, and I would want to rage at the pain at the same time.
I know how you feel about those dreams that are as real as life itself.
xoxo charlie

Joy said...

It's harder when we don't know why. All that was so sudden and without any explanation. But even when we do know, there are some we always wonder about. There's one I do and do not wish I could see again.

Thanks for telling us about it.

Joy said...

Actually, I meant to say that you're doing really well. You are resolute about not going back to him but just wonder what happened. Good for you!

Beth said...

HA!!! jimbo! You are SO bad! ;)

I've had dreams about my BD and they seem so real...I can smell him and taste him. It's strange...and he did NOT have a small dick. Maybe that's why ....oh never mind! ;)

Dan said...

Maybe someday James you will run into him and it will all come out. Untill then, put that focus forward. :)