I sometimes type blog posts that I file under "drafts" and never post. This is the crap that bounces around inside my head.
Drafted on 12/1
Call Me Crazy
File Under: Neuroses
I've got a great boyfriend and it scares the crap out of me.
Here's a little history about me. I came out kind of late. I've been out for just over 10 years. I missed a lot. Before then, I didn't go to gay bars, I didn't have gay friends, and obviously I didn't date. My *ahem* experiences were limited to internet hookups.
When I finally was out and had met someone, it happened to be someone who wasn't a good first experience. I fell fast, and hard and it fucked with my head.
My one "relationship" lasted less than a year. When I felt it was the right time to say "I love you," his answer was "well, I have loving feelings for you." He never said "I love you."
I dated a guy for a month and it was going great until he just cut off all contact with me. I wasn't smothering, I gave him space, our last date was a great time. To this day I have no clue why all contact between us ended.
I lusted after someone for months and when I finally had the balls to ask him out on a date, he informed me that he had just begun dating somebody.
I met a guy with whom I totally connected, but he didn't live in Chicago. He told me that he was single. I entertained the idea of exploring a long-distance romance only to find out that he was in fact in a relationship and had been for some time. That one threw me for a loop, big time.
I've had numerous single dates that ended with "I'll call you," only to never hear from them again.
I could go on, but you see where I'm going here. It only takes so many rejections before you begin to believe that you're the problem.
Now I'm dating a really great guy. I could go on and on about what makes him great but I think I've done enough of that in previous posts. I enjoy being with him so much and I wait anxiously for each next time we're together. But, there's that side of me that, given my past history, is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's stupid. It's foolish. It's driving me crazy.
I'm trying to keep focused on all the good things in this relationship and enjoy the "now" and stop thinking about what might happen in the future.
- - -
Drafted on 12/09
File Under: Things I lack
They say that patience is a virtue. I'm not very virtuous in that regard. I have never been. I don't like waiting in line. I don't like being on hold. I hate being stuck behind someone slower than me when I'm walking through a store. It's all about instant gratification.
I understand that there are advantages of waiting. Good things come to those who wait. With waiting, you get to appreciate the build-up. Think of watching flowers bloom. You see the buds on the plant, the next day they're a little bigger, then the next day they're starting to show signs of opening and then the next thing you know, you're seeing something gorgeous.
With relationships, you experience one of the biggest exercises in patience. There's no set journey, the road has unexpected twists and turns that you know could come up but you hope they don't. You hope for the best.
I'm on this road now. I'm enjoying the ride. At the same time, I'm completely neurotic and I
(this is where I stopped, I decided I would revisit this at a later date)