File Under: Having My Say
I felt that the conversation I had with Matthew last night was mostly him expressing his thoughts and me (barely) responding to them. I decided that I needed to have my say. I don't think he'll reply. I don't want a reply. I just wanted him to know how I felt about things. I'm sharing this because you've all been along for the ride so you deserve closure, as do I. As I often do, I think I took the high road. I have no desire to argue any points or engage in any further discussion. Let me also say that I'm not opening dialogue for hopes of reconciliation. If doubts have presented themself now, who's to say they won't reappear at some point in the future.
Please allow me to have my say, as, in and relationship, regardless of what stage its in, both parties involved should have an opportunity to express what is on their mind. I believe you did that over the phone last night, this is my turn. I hope you'll read this and not just delete it.
Last night you said that you didn't feel that you were in a place you thought you should be at this point. I'm unsure of where you thought you should be, because at least early on, you seemed very much into this relationship. Examples being your affection towards me, and your talk of future plans. The big revalation came the night before your birthday, when you had asked if I listened to Adele's CD. You then told me to lsiten to "Make You Feel My Love" and said "you'll understand." Whether intended or not, it sounded as if you were telling me you loved me.
Now, a bit about me. I haven't had good luck in relationships. Historically I fall fast and I fall hard. I went into our relationship determined not to do that. But then, talks of "next summer we can do this," or "you should get a passport, it would be nice to have you join me places," or "I bought your matching linens so that you would feel more at home at my place" made it extremely difficult to not think that you felt a connection between us. So, eventually I fell.
Be it spoken or not, I think we were on the same page, at least at some point. Your gestures were so generous and thoughtful. But, I think one of our flaws was our inability to speak what was on our mind. I felt bad not being able to communicate with you, partly because I felt intimidated trying to talk to you, I worried about upsetting or offending you. You are a man of few words at times and I felt like I was guessing your moods.
I understand you have a lot going on in your life. Your job keeps you very busy, more so than the typical 9 - 5 job. You have family concerns, you have health matters you're dealing with. In your birthday card, I meant every word of what I wrote, including the "Love" part. I never said it to you, but I fell in love with you. I wish I had been brave enough to say it to your face.
That being said, I don't expect that anything I should have said would cause a change in the outcome. Your feelings are your feelings. I'm just not convinced that you weren't in the same place I was. I'm sad because you couldn't talk to me in person about it and when you said the words, your tone was very matter of fact and void of emotion. I wish you would have felt me worthy of more of an explanation. I don't think you intended to be hurtful but I won't lie, I hurt, a lot.
I hope you find happiness and contentment. I'm sorry that I can't be a part of that. Once we broke down the walls, we would have been great together.
I don't expect that you'll reply, I just wanted you to know what's on my mind.