Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Letter

File Under: Having My Say

I felt that the conversation I had with Matthew last night was mostly him expressing his thoughts and me (barely) responding to them. I decided that I needed to have my say. I don't think he'll reply. I don't want a reply. I just wanted him to know how I felt about things. I'm sharing this because you've all been along for the ride so you deserve closure, as do I. As I often do, I think I took the high road. I have no desire to argue any points or engage in any further discussion. Let me also say that I'm not opening dialogue for hopes of reconciliation. If doubts have presented themself now, who's to say they won't reappear at some point in the future.

Dear Matthew,

Please allow me to have my say, as, in and relationship, regardless of what stage its in, both parties involved should have an opportunity to express what is on their mind. I believe you did that over the phone last night, this is my turn. I hope you'll read this and not just delete it.

Last night you said that you didn't feel that you were in a place you thought you should be at this point. I'm unsure of where you thought you should be, because at least early on, you seemed very much into this relationship. Examples being your affection towards me, and your talk of future plans. The big revalation came the night before your birthday, when you had asked if I listened to Adele's CD. You then told me to lsiten to "Make You Feel My Love" and said "you'll understand." Whether intended or not, it sounded as if you were telling me you loved me.

Now, a bit about me. I haven't had good luck in relationships. Historically I fall fast and I fall hard. I went into our relationship determined not to do that. But then, talks of "next summer we can do this," or "you should get a passport, it would be nice to have you join me places," or "I bought your matching linens so that you would feel more at home at my place" made it extremely difficult to not think that you felt a connection between us. So, eventually I fell.

Be it spoken or not, I think we were on the same page, at least at some point. Your gestures were so generous and thoughtful. But, I think one of our flaws was our inability to speak what was on our mind. I felt bad not being able to communicate with you, partly because I felt intimidated trying to talk to you, I worried about upsetting or offending you. You are a man of few words at times and I felt like I was guessing your moods.

I understand you have a lot going on in your life. Your job keeps you very busy, more so than the typical 9 - 5 job. You have family concerns, you have health matters you're dealing with. In your birthday card, I meant every word of what I wrote, including the "Love" part. I never said it to you, but I fell in love with you. I wish I had been brave enough to say it to your face.

That being said, I don't expect that anything I should have said would cause a change in the outcome. Your feelings are your feelings. I'm just not convinced that you weren't in the same place I was. I'm sad because you couldn't talk to me in person about it and when you said the words, your tone was very matter of fact and void of emotion. I wish you would have felt me worthy of more of an explanation. I don't think you intended to be hurtful but I won't lie, I hurt, a lot.

I hope you find happiness and contentment. I'm sorry that I can't be a part of that. Once we broke down the walls, we would have been great together.

I don't expect that you'll reply, I just wanted you to know what's on my mind.




Joy said...

I can feel the pain and confusion in your letter. I hope someone wonderful like you comes along you can be with for the duration! You deserve it. Many hugs!

Marker said...

Moi again.

I admire you for being so public about all this! That takes cojones, something Matt did not display in recent weeks with his passive-aggressive hang-up a few weeks ago and with the way he broke up with you by blaming the relationship for not being at a point where he felt it should be. Barf!!

Believe me, I have sent a few messages like yours - 1AM in the early morning hours of the day after Dubya's re-election in November 2004 comes to mind . . . talk about bad timing.

Expect nothing in response - that was justifiably all for you and about you.

If he does respond - do not continue the dialog. I know you've told us and yourself that you do not want a response, but if you're like me, there is some (perhaps unacknowledged) part of you somewhere that hopes this letter will fix things. It won't. It's over. I don't say that to be mean - just the voice of an outsider who's been there. There's nothing you can say that will change the way he feels (or doesn't feel) about you. Again, I totally am not trying to sound harsh, only hoping to play the role of objective observer with way too much experience in this gawd-awful process.

Many e-hugs to you - these things just suck.

I hope that all of us Chicago DustBunnies can meet for a drink (or two . . . dozen) sometime soon.


Beth said...

aw hon....the pain in that letter and the....questions. I don't think "HE" expressed himself very good or you wouldn't have so many unanswered questions.

But like Marc said, this is about YOU and for YOU. Don't expect a reply. If you get one, then great...if you don't..that's great too. At least you had your say. and that goes a long way in your heart healing.

love you.

Dan said...

Mark -

We need to definately meet up soon! Tiss the season to get boozy!

Good words for Jimbo.

Jimbo said...

It truly isn't my intention to continue the dialogue. In the very unlikely event that he were to write or call and say "oh I've made a huge mistake, would you forgive me?" The answer is "NO!" I would never go back into something where I would always be looking over my shoulder and waiting for a repeat performance. I did a "do-over" once and was burned. NEVER AGAIN.

If he calls, I'll talk to him. If he's apologetic for his actions, I'll be polite. Could we be friends someday? Perhaps. I'm not holding my breath. I don't think I'll hear from him.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm up for drinks. Let's make it happen!!